Scared of Lonely!

I have to admit...Im absolutely petrified of being alone I have never been without a guy there has always been a guy in my life && usually more than one. Even when Im in a relationship there is usually someone lurking the background in case Mr. Right Now fucks up for at least emotional comfort if not sexual! && now im finding that its not even like that no more. Im finding myself giving myself to person && I get FUCKING SCARED! I get scared that if he leaves if ever hoping he doesn'tI wont have anyone to fall back on like I usually do. Its Crazy in its own right but thats my life. A so called player is wat Ive been called, but a LOVER is all I am. I have alot of love to give and I want to give it to one person, but I get scared of the reality of that happeing. I guess its because Im starting to believe the 'becareful wat you wish for' speech ive been told for years. Im falling for one person, and thats wat I want, but Im so used to having feelings of rmore than one person. I guess I want my cake with ice cream too, just so that I can feel fulfilled because watever one guy lacks the other can take up the slack. But, I don't wana be stuck in this mind frame forever. I understand I reap wat I sow and thats exactly how my relationship life has been. I want them to give me the world and if they don't I slightly roam away but stay in hopes of change and progression and when it happens its too late. Ive always been a fan of LOVE, Ive been in LOVE, but never experienced TRUE LOVE. Weird huh!? Meaning a Love that is patient and kind and full of COMMITMENT on BOTH ends. I never felt the guys I was with were fully with me so I could never be fully with them. I gave and gave all my heart could give until I was just like fuck it. One guy ruined it for the rest! One of the hardest things for me to do is let go of the past and just move on without bagagge from wat was or wat used to be. I may not stress the guy verbally about it but my actions hold true that Ive been hurt before and Im not going to let you hurt me before I hurt you! && most of them don't even know it. But I never had intentions of hurting anyone, I just was SCARED of being alone and getting played, but in all reality I guess I was playing myself. All I want now is a break, and it scares me to actually believe that Im receiving that KIt Kat bar as I speak! I think Ive met my match, but Im so used to disappointment that Im just waiting for Ashton to jump out and say you've been punked! Alot of things are leading me to believe he and I were no accident && hurting him is surely not an option, but Im scared of relapsing to my old habits. Ugh! Why cant I just let go and let someone love me because I know I deserve it! I guess ima just give it to God cuz he knows better than I do!


NightFall914 said...

Thats just lifes game and way of growing you up emotionally. That having multiple guys angle rarely lasts anyway. Just go with ya feelings and stay true to them.Good, bad or ugly thats really all that any of us can do.