Is it safe to say I have lost all trust in a man?? Ive been trying to hold out and not put every guy in a catergory as being an asswhole or full of shit but thats all I have ever experienced. I love the person I am but Im starting to believe its my fault I can't find a guy on the same page as me. I haven't had all dogs, Some were really good guys as far as what Im looking for in someone, but they just weren't going down the same road Im trying to go. My mother says that its because the guys I date are young and young dudes are only after one thing, but sheesh, is it really Every nigga out there?? I think also that LA dudes are on a totally different mind frame from the rest of the world for the fact they just think they are the shit, even the ugly ones, to the point its like there are no humble guys. They all force feed me the same bullshit at the end of the day just to try and fuck me and Im over it. Ive heard it all, seen them all, had them all, all the types of a guy i think u can have, I had, all but the one for me. Im only 21, so yea the guy for me prolly wont come till later but im just tired of meeting the bullshit ass dudes out here. I dont trust any man that gets at me to be real, so I mentally flush him out before he knows it. Its gotten tot the point to where I no longer cry over the man I cry over myself and the fact I can't get out this cycle of a situation. I changed up my standards over and over again to broaden my horizans into having a better quality person, but I still think there is a flaw somewhere because Ive gotten no where. Maybe Ill go back to dating older men, but they have too much baggage that I dont even want to deal with at my young age, been there done that.
I guess all I want is consistency, thats all I want from a man is for him to be the same real nigga he was from the jump and not change his ways. Do the same thing you been doing since u met me, cause if you do something for so long Ima expect that to be done, if you stop Ima be like Wat The Eff?? What happened to the guy I met? I hate that I have never met a man that gave me the consistency I wanted in a person or equaled my affection. I used to have high hopes for everyone I dated so that I wouldn't fault him for what the last man did, but now Im seeing myself expecting to get hurt and having no hope for anything anymore, andnit eats me alive. I hate feeling that way. No matter what I do, I still get hurt. I feel I have a wonderful personality, Im beautiful, sexy, loving,affectionate, funny, down to earth, the librarian and the stripper, lolz, but I havent found a man that fully appreciates those qualities in me.
I don't want to change myself to get a man, however I want to know what Im doing wrong to where he makes me feel I need to change. My rap sheet makes me feel its all my fault because Im not relationship successful, and I want to figure out why. Why is every man who gets at me, no matter what we do together or what he does or I do for him or what he tells me, at the end of the day his actions dont match and only shows he wants to fuck me. Im tired of being centerd as sex being his only desire for me being around. Im not a whore Im a woman you should want to love, and I see right through all your lies, your just tryin to bust a nut. I put up certain emotial walls to see who willl be strong enough to want to break throught them. Im not that complicated of an individual so the fact that no one wants to love me past my pain hurts, especially knowing that I can give so much love to a man, I dont want just anyone having it. Ive made alot of male mistakes in the past, being naive, but now Ive learned so much I just want to know why the progress is still going at the same speed. Before I pray for no man unless he is good. Give me no man Lord till the right man comes, cause Im tired of the bullshit, I think the next bad situation will harden my heart to where the desire to Love doesn't even exist for me anymore. And thats my biggest fear. I dont want to be a bitter ass female, but that woman is starting to grow everytime I hear my phone go off, cause I already know its a bullshit ass dude blowing my phone up.


SMH Momment: Fierce Lil Boy Edition

Lawd this Lil boy was killing me I was dying the whole time cuzim just taken aback!! He looks all of 7 years old who taught him all this fierceness!! Lil boy is gettin his divo on, I cant even hate cuz sum of his moves I can't even do...I wonder if he made this routine himself & who is responsible for this video?? Im just mad he a lil off beat and the random person who walks by like did you know we are tapin a video!! My favorite part...0:17-0:23 & 3:00-3:10,,boy get em!!

First Love Diaries pt. Deux!

Sooo after reading Shandra E. helpful advice and talkin to my firends, I realized its time to let homeboy go!! Its been along drawn out 4 year experience but its time 2 let my First Love go! I love him still but having him in my life is unhealthy because its impossible for me to be just his friend. I gave him an ultimatum and he couldn't give me a straight up answer sooooooo I had to make up 1 for him. Im leaving! I felt he kept me around because he felt it was convenient he knew I would be there beyond any damn body, I felt he did love me but not enough in the way I needed to be loved.
Like you said Shandra, I need to be more than #1 I need to be the only one & with him I will never be the only one. He cheated on me when we were together and then cheated on his girlfriend with me! How triflin is that! I knew the business before hand, but was too blind to see it. Once a cheat always a cheat right?? He would say all that bullshit about ``That was the old me , Im not that Keair anymore Im gona be a better man for you because I wana marry you, Im my Happiest when Im with you, I hate that I hurt you, I hate the niggas you date, you need to be with me. I promise one you come home from school its me and you again officially!!...blah fuckin blah... I heard that shit for 3 years & He broke all that shit within a week of me being home.
I feel soooo stupid for loving him, I feel I wasted valuable love that could have been given to someone else on him, but to this day I havent met anyone who makes me feel as good as he made me feel. When he was good he was real good, we hardly argued all we did was have sooo much fun together, we have the same sense of humor & his sex is the business, and he gives me all that affectionate mushy shit I love in front of everybody. I could have sworn he would be the guy to go on the mountain top and scream ``I LOVE KAM`` before anyone else...but look where we are now, homeboy wont even return my phone calls!! His son loves me since day one, he says the only girl he reallly lets around his son and I hate how I have to leave that lil boy's life as well. He wanted me to be the mother of his daughter and th elist goes on of all the shit, I was ``supposed to be`` now Im nothing when in all of it I have done nothing but love him more than anyone he will ever know. I know for a FACT he will never find anyone like me or better than me, but I know for a FACT I will find someone better than him, and me and I will love that man more than my love for him times ten! Life is too short for `maybe love` I need the real deal!!! Because God is in my love lolz[insider]......


First Love Diaries....

I got a new song.....

``First Love Sex/ First Love Sex/ Its the most powerful of them all yall...``

Well to me it is, especially when you are still in love with that person. Me and my First Love haven't been together in three years but I still love him and surprisingly still want to be with him. Before yall say, `Bitch, just give that shit up` I want you to know why I feel this way. See we broke up when I was a sopmore in college and he couldn't handle me being away in school [Im in San Diego, He is in LA] He broke up with me because he couldn't handle a bitch ass 2hr distance and also because he felt that I would cheat on him with guys that lived out there, that was his theory, and that whenever I graduate we can be together again. And now that I have graduated and moved back home things arent going as planned, till now. For the past three years I have let this man lead me on to believe Im number 1 in his life, no matter who he dates or who I date, Im wifey, thats what he tells his friends and family. And to be honest I believed him, I soaked that shit up.

Whenever he called I came running no matter what it was, I was always there for him, I gave up so much of what I knew was right for this guy just because he was the first person that gave me the 'Love Feelin'. I would have done anything for him, if he said die for me i swear I woulda thinkin it into existance. I was there for him in times when he had no one and he paints verbally and sometimes really shows that Im his number one through it all he still does bitch nigga shit I dont like. But when he says `Im workin towards marrying you, Im changing for you` and when Im with him all the love i ever had comes rushing back, I get weak. He strings me along because he doesn't want me to leave, but there are certain things he does that makes me feel if you love someone you wouldn't do them like that, you wouldn't break their heart.

Recently, he did something that broke the camels back for me, I called him and a girl answered his phone and the bitch hung up on my ass, called him back cuz I was like Wat The Eff?? and he answered surprised it was me and told me he was with his girlfriend!! Mind you, the last time I talked to him he said he aint had no girlfriend!! OH HELL NO!! And then yesturday my bestfriend sees them at the movies together after he talked me down when this happend to tell me, he just said that because she was sitting right there and he chooses me over any bitch. I was fuming pissed, I felt beyond played and he has made me feel this way before and when I say Im leaving thats when he wana patch shit up. I know its my fault for letting him but when you see my rap sheet of all I have done for this man, I feel I can't let my hard work go to waste for the next bitch to enjoy. I helped shaped him into the man he is today when there were times he felt on killing himself he was so depressed with the way life was going.

I have the sofest spot for him because he was the first one to teach me what it was like to love hard. But it hurts me that he will have to be the one to teach me how to let go, especially when I don't want to. Ive been thinking about him and this trick and every other trick he been with since me and I feel like he is full of shit and I deserve better. But I don't click with anyone else like I do him, and no one fucks me as good or its eat as correct or I have fun with the most as this man. Ugghhh, this is so irritating. How do you let go of the one you loved the most and the one that loved me the most, or so I thought....


ILL BE BACK!!....[Arnold Voice]

Today is Friday & Im too lazy to do Funny Fridays shoot me! Even tho I do love to post Funny Shit...But I will say this you will get a ``REAL`` post from me this weekend!! I promise you that...I jus havent been makin time my life is soo conjumbled [is that a word!!?] but there has been some things that have been irritating me so Im going to come back with some of your fav's like SMH Moments, Baby Daddy Status, The Hott Chick, & of course Love bullshit [ill get more into why Im so Love[k] right now] So hang bestie said if you don't start writin ppl will stop readin & i deffinitely dnt want that...I jus been havin major bloggers block that I need to get over, so curse me out I don't care >=op!! [wait yes I do!! Im sorry yall lolz]

*Shout Outz to JellieBeanzzz!! She always shows me Love on her blog!
Check it out, B a si Ca LL y*

Oh Lookie Ppl I got my hair did [Finally, & I dyed my hair myself] I should have shown u a B4 lolz Ive been wearin it curly [cuz it be gorilla penis hot outside] & it gets unmanagable at times...dont I look cute!


Please Don't Leave Me!!

Sorry followers I greatly apologize I have not been updating like I should
and I hope yall don't hold it against me
it's just that I dont have internet connection in my home
now that I have moved back in with my grandmother
&& I dont like updating from my phone cuz it doesn't want to cooperate
So I will have to either go bring my laptop to the library or go to my friends house 2 update
But, please hang in there with me. I noticed I lost 1 of you & that breaks my heart
Because my I try not only to write things for myself but for you guys too...
Im also kinda in a brainfreeze because there isnt really anything worth posting
I do have something about my love life that I want to post, but it may be too personal
I may do it anyways, just to give yall somethin juicy to read
but I have to gather my thoughts first.
But know that I am greatful for all of you and I love the feed back you guys give me
Tellin me that you love the blog, I really appreciate keep reading and everyone that follows me
Im tryin to make sure I follow all of yall ok!! Love you much

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