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28.7.09

Bitter!!




Is it safe to say I have lost all trust in a man?? Ive been trying to hold out and not put every guy in a catergory as being an asswhole or full of shit but thats all I have ever experienced. I love the person I am but Im starting to believe its my fault I can't find a guy on the same page as me. I haven't had all dogs, Some were really good guys as far as what Im looking for in someone, but they just weren't going down the same road Im trying to go. My mother says that its because the guys I date are young and young dudes are only after one thing, but sheesh, is it really Every nigga out there?? I think also that LA dudes are on a totally different mind frame from the rest of the world for the fact they just think they are the shit, even the ugly ones, to the point its like there are no humble guys. They all force feed me the same bullshit at the end of the day just to try and fuck me and Im over it. Ive heard it all, seen them all, had them all, all the types of a guy i think u can have, I had, all but the one for me. Im only 21, so yea the guy for me prolly wont come till later but im just tired of meeting the bullshit ass dudes out here. I dont trust any man that gets at me to be real, so I mentally flush him out before he knows it. Its gotten tot the point to where I no longer cry over the man I cry over myself and the fact I can't get out this cycle of a situation. I changed up my standards over and over again to broaden my horizans into having a better quality person, but I still think there is a flaw somewhere because Ive gotten no where. Maybe Ill go back to dating older men, but they have too much baggage that I dont even want to deal with at my young age, been there done that.
I guess all I want is consistency, thats all I want from a man is for him to be the same real nigga he was from the jump and not change his ways. Do the same thing you been doing since u met me, cause if you do something for so long Ima expect that to be done, if you stop Ima be like Wat The Eff?? What happened to the guy I met? I hate that I have never met a man that gave me the consistency I wanted in a person or equaled my affection. I used to have high hopes for everyone I dated so that I wouldn't fault him for what the last man did, but now Im seeing myself expecting to get hurt and having no hope for anything anymore, andnit eats me alive. I hate feeling that way. No matter what I do, I still get hurt. I feel I have a wonderful personality, Im beautiful, sexy, loving,affectionate, funny, down to earth, the librarian and the stripper, lolz, but I havent found a man that fully appreciates those qualities in me.
I don't want to change myself to get a man, however I want to know what Im doing wrong to where he makes me feel I need to change. My rap sheet makes me feel its all my fault because Im not relationship successful, and I want to figure out why. Why is every man who gets at me, no matter what we do together or what he does or I do for him or what he tells me, at the end of the day his actions dont match and only shows he wants to fuck me. Im tired of being centerd as sex being his only desire for me being around. Im not a whore Im a woman you should want to love, and I see right through all your lies, your just tryin to bust a nut. I put up certain emotial walls to see who willl be strong enough to want to break throught them. Im not that complicated of an individual so the fact that no one wants to love me past my pain hurts, especially knowing that I can give so much love to a man, I dont want just anyone having it. Ive made alot of male mistakes in the past, being naive, but now Ive learned so much I just want to know why the progress is still going at the same speed. Before I pray for no man unless he is good. Give me no man Lord till the right man comes, cause Im tired of the bullshit, I think the next bad situation will harden my heart to where the desire to Love doesn't even exist for me anymore. And thats my biggest fear. I dont want to be a bitter ass female, but that woman is starting to grow everytime I hear my phone go off, cause I already know its a bullshit ass dude blowing my phone up.



7 comments:

Kiaana08 said...

"Give me no man Lord till the right man comes." Girl, that is an excellent quote. Love it. I use to pray something similar. Believe it or not, I was in the same boat as you. I use to ask myself the same question, is it me? Yes, it was me causing the problem and the reason being was cuz I was chooing the wrong guys. It don't take a rocket genius to figure out which type of guys ain't gonna cut it. Another thing I recommend is holding off on the sex until you get a chance to really know him. Steve Harvey recommends the "3 month rule." Basically, not giving up the goodies to a new guy for 3 months. I honestly recommend you read that book, it's more like a self help book. Steve Harvey, "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man." If you have already read it, I suggest you glance at it again and focus on the parts that applies to you.

K. Michel said...

Yeah, I also recommend holding off from sex for quite a while, Miss Qu33N.

But at the same time, you can't expect a man to stay consistent AFTER he's had sex with you. Either he's going to change for the better ...or for the worse. But a CHANGE is going to come, regardless.

Even without the sex, people change once they get to know more about one another. It's natural.

In the beginning, things are mysterious and playfully tense. Once you spend more time, the magic begins to wear out... that's why you have to do something different every once in a while.

In the end, people change.

Qu33n Kam... said...

Whoa withhold from sex 4 three months? Its worth a try but i never knew a guy 2 hold out that long. But i guess im meeting the wrong ppl if they dnt wana stay around that long. Ive had guys wait that long b4 but it was circumstantial, never cuz that was my goal, but the whole time it wud be when u gona let me fuck? A guy has never been ok wit jus waitin 4 me & yes its a turn off. I guess my problem is the guys i meet but idk wat im doin 2 attract the same type of guys cuz ive met guys who seem great but jus wana jump my bones and if i dont then they dnt try anymore & if i do sex becums the foundation of our relationship. I feel i lose both ways, thats why im confused & heartbroken.

Ms. T said...

Hey girly, we all been there before. I know how you feel. All i can say is do not let a new man be your focus, or you will run into anybody and they will see your vulberability, so just casually date and have fun, but dont cross the line with anyone, make them chase you, and see you as a gem, so when they are ready to settle down, they see that your respectable. Its hard, but you have to be patient, but still have fun, look fab, go out with the girls, and date, SOMEONE WILL COME ALONG THAT YOU WILL WANT TO GIVE A CHANCE.

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♥Porscha said...

tell me why iam in the same boat
and questioning myself on these SAME, EXACT QUESTIONS!!!

i question my bestie everyday im like, "damn what makes me just fuckable to these guys and not the type for them to BE WITH" and when I do meet somebody im interested in, they eitha a lame or a dog never in between its always ONE EXTREME after another and I ♥ consistency if you gone nice/sweet in the beginning please stay that way but if you gone distant/kinda mean but you cool okay you can be that way 2 just let me know from jump so i can decide if i wanna keep dealin w/u or night cause flip flopping personalities be having me confused!!!

lol, just had to let it all out there

bkashawna said...

men can def be a holes seriously. but you know what if you dont look and just let everything flow. im sure he will come find you. i have slowed myself down. im determined to find myself and figure my situation out before i build anything.