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22.7.09

First Love Diaries pt. Deux!


Sooo after reading Shandra E. helpful advice and talkin to my firends, I realized its time to let homeboy go!! Its been along drawn out 4 year experience but its time 2 let my First Love go! I love him still but having him in my life is unhealthy because its impossible for me to be just his friend. I gave him an ultimatum and he couldn't give me a straight up answer sooooooo I had to make up 1 for him. Im leaving! I felt he kept me around because he felt it was convenient he knew I would be there beyond any damn body, I felt he did love me but not enough in the way I needed to be loved.
Like you said Shandra, I need to be more than #1 I need to be the only one & with him I will never be the only one. He cheated on me when we were together and then cheated on his girlfriend with me! How triflin is that! I knew the business before hand, but was too blind to see it. Once a cheat always a cheat right?? He would say all that bullshit about ``That was the old me , Im not that Keair anymore Im gona be a better man for you because I wana marry you, Im my Happiest when Im with you, I hate that I hurt you, I hate the niggas you date, you need to be with me. I promise one you come home from school its me and you again officially!!...blah fuckin blah... I heard that shit for 3 years & He broke all that shit within a week of me being home.
I feel soooo stupid for loving him, I feel I wasted valuable love that could have been given to someone else on him, but to this day I havent met anyone who makes me feel as good as he made me feel. When he was good he was real good, we hardly argued all we did was have sooo much fun together, we have the same sense of humor & his sex is the business, and he gives me all that affectionate mushy shit I love in front of everybody. I could have sworn he would be the guy to go on the mountain top and scream ``I LOVE KAM`` before anyone else...but look where we are now, homeboy wont even return my phone calls!! His son loves me since day one, he says the only girl he reallly lets around his son and I hate how I have to leave that lil boy's life as well. He wanted me to be the mother of his daughter and th elist goes on of all the shit, I was ``supposed to be`` now Im nothing when in all of it I have done nothing but love him more than anyone he will ever know. I know for a FACT he will never find anyone like me or better than me, but I know for a FACT I will find someone better than him, and me and I will love that man more than my love for him times ten! Life is too short for `maybe love` I need the real deal!!! Because God is in my love lolz[insider]......

3 comments:

Shandra E...*the misses said...

"I know for a FACT he will never find anyone like me or better than me, but I know for a FACT I will find someone better than him,"

Now you just "adviced" ME with that one!!!! Good way to look at it cuz it's so TRUE!!! man...isn't it crazy how deep it goes??? love: it hurts, it heals! so power to you for walking out on the "hurt" & although it'll be a process...power to you for embracing your "healing" when it comes; for being willing to LOVE again, and for knowing your worth!!!

xxxx said...

it was not time waisted... never look at your relationships like that. yes its hard not too think you waisted time but you really didnt. you gained knowledge and experience...for when the next person comes around you can spot b.s when it comes your way. you will have a better more fulfilling relationship

x3 ms peaa ; said...

dnt feel stupid ; lovee sometimes ;can blind all of us .

being able to pull away and get bakc upp ;

makess us thaa strongg womenn we

learnn too becomee .