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18.7.09

First Love Diaries....


I got a new song.....

``First Love Sex/ First Love Sex/ Its the most powerful of them all yall...``


Well to me it is, especially when you are still in love with that person. Me and my First Love haven't been together in three years but I still love him and surprisingly still want to be with him. Before yall say, `Bitch, just give that shit up` I want you to know why I feel this way. See we broke up when I was a sopmore in college and he couldn't handle me being away in school [Im in San Diego, He is in LA] He broke up with me because he couldn't handle a bitch ass 2hr distance and also because he felt that I would cheat on him with guys that lived out there, that was his theory, and that whenever I graduate we can be together again. And now that I have graduated and moved back home things arent going as planned, till now. For the past three years I have let this man lead me on to believe Im number 1 in his life, no matter who he dates or who I date, Im wifey, thats what he tells his friends and family. And to be honest I believed him, I soaked that shit up.

Whenever he called I came running no matter what it was, I was always there for him, I gave up so much of what I knew was right for this guy just because he was the first person that gave me the 'Love Feelin'. I would have done anything for him, if he said die for me i swear I woulda thinkin it into existance. I was there for him in times when he had no one and he paints verbally and sometimes really shows that Im his number one through it all he still does bitch nigga shit I dont like. But when he says `Im workin towards marrying you, Im changing for you` and when Im with him all the love i ever had comes rushing back, I get weak. He strings me along because he doesn't want me to leave, but there are certain things he does that makes me feel if you love someone you wouldn't do them like that, you wouldn't break their heart.

Recently, he did something that broke the camels back for me, I called him and a girl answered his phone and the bitch hung up on my ass, called him back cuz I was like Wat The Eff?? and he answered surprised it was me and told me he was with his girlfriend!! Mind you, the last time I talked to him he said he aint had no girlfriend!! OH HELL NO!! And then yesturday my bestfriend sees them at the movies together after he talked me down when this happend to tell me, he just said that because she was sitting right there and he chooses me over any bitch. I was fuming pissed, I felt beyond played and he has made me feel this way before and when I say Im leaving thats when he wana patch shit up. I know its my fault for letting him but when you see my rap sheet of all I have done for this man, I feel I can't let my hard work go to waste for the next bitch to enjoy. I helped shaped him into the man he is today when there were times he felt on killing himself he was so depressed with the way life was going.

I have the sofest spot for him because he was the first one to teach me what it was like to love hard. But it hurts me that he will have to be the one to teach me how to let go, especially when I don't want to. Ive been thinking about him and this trick and every other trick he been with since me and I feel like he is full of shit and I deserve better. But I don't click with anyone else like I do him, and no one fucks me as good or its eat as correct or I have fun with the most as this man. Ugghhh, this is so irritating. How do you let go of the one you loved the most and the one that loved me the most, or so I thought....

5 comments:

Shandra E...*the misses said...

I KNOW how you feel!!! a guy does what he wants & has you thinking you're still "#1"...been there; yet it leaves you feeling like if you are number one, why aren't you a priority??!!

You said it best yourself: you deserve more! And i know i don't know you well enough to come so 'blunt', but hey i'm half-way talking to myself!!! Do you wanna be NUMBER ONE or the ONLY ONE???
because Trust THERE"S A DIFFERENCE!!!! you see #1 has a following...a trail...a list that continues after her...So yeah she's "number one", but who's number two, 3, 4,...7, 8,etc??? "number one" simply means you're at the top of the list, but you're still on it!! I don't wanna be someone's "NUMBER"...if he has to keep count...he's WRONG! and not only are you "most loved"...you become most disrespected in a sense?! you feel me?? cuz he should have most respect for you!!

but the ONLY ONE...she has something exclusively hers & vise versa...there is no need to number off & keep count of something that stands Alone!! idk...those are things to think about & when you realize how it effects who you are & the standards you set for yourself...you'll make the decision that's best for YOU!!!

maybe it won't mean cutting him off (like i did)...it might mean "playing the feild" & just "doing you" & if you see fit to deal with him on YOUR terms, then that's that...otherwise, he's on your list, and you'll get to him If/When you do??! lol..and there's nothing wrong with that either!!! hope you do what's good for YOU...but really, i wouldn't stay just because it's "comfortable" & i wouldn't continue to LOVE because it's convenient & "it always has been"...if the love is truely there, without fear of being without it...do what you gotta do :)

wish you the best!!
Shandra E.

Qu33n Kam... said...

Damn u jus gave me the best advice i ever had girl!! Ur so right i shudnt wana be number 1 it makes so much sense i never really thought bout it,

It s jus that when i think of lettin him go i kno it wud really be the end and it doesnt sit well in my system life w/ out this man. I really think bout it cuz i cant jus be his friend so if im not his girl it has 2 be nothin at all cuz when we 2gether its like were really 2gether & i fall for that shit errtime

It prolly will be the hardest thing i do 2 fully let this man go it feels wierd jus sayin cuz i did so much 4 him its like a waste of all thats shit...thats wats makes it hard the most

X_Skater_14_X said...

Nice blog.
Check mine out and follow ill do the same to yours.
Skatedailynews.blogspot.com

Notion said...

shit i feel you, it ain't nothin like it, the first taste of love is the most powerful, because there is no thought in your mind that it might end so it becomes limitless

Johnny said...

Are u serious? Rotfl.. smh....