Scared to Take My Heart Off Hold

Isn't it crazy how right when you get excited about the person you are with and you start telling people about them and you claim the relationship,, is right when it starts to turn dramatic. Its like the affirmation to the universe feels your happiness and wants to suck it all away. I understand now why Jay-Z & Beyonce are so hush hush to where you feel ``damn,,don't they love each other why don they shout it out`` but now I see why that would be the dumbest thing in the world to do. Its like once you find that one person that makes you feel good and everyone knows it,,its like they hold a stop watch waiting for your love to end. Im so used to being happy about my new boo,, i tell everyone and then it turns out wrong and then I look like the damn fool when ppl ask ``Hey, What happend to ol' boy??`` Ive experienced this before so much that now im paranoid to really tell people about my partner,, ive been apprehensive about even writing this blog post. Yes, I know it seems Im excited about being single and it has been a life changing experience in which it still is,, but I was not going to let it blind me on the way. I think I have found the one I want to be with, he has everything that I want emotionally,physically,, he treats me the way I want to be treated and cares so much about me...but we can't be together,, at least not the way I want to. For one he isn't close to me and two our connection seems too good to be true. Can I handle a long distance relationship,,like seriously?? Can I trust my emotions to not flip out about him being able to handle it?? Im not going to go into the severity of our situation,,just know on his end he is fine,,he shows no signs for now about hurting me. But like I have explained in previous posts i still haven't healed from my previous relationships to just breath easy and live. Ive known him for almost a year and he has been there for me with my last break up with my ex Donta. I appreciate him as my friend and now my lover. But,, Im too scared to really accept that. I feel once I claim this man,, once I accept him fully the way I want to the way my heart feels comfortable,, its gona turn down hill from there. It took me forever to even tell my friends and family about him,, just because Im afraid of the outcome of their opinions. They have seen me at my lowest hurt and Im not ready for the embarrassment. However, the pureness I feel with him is what gives me the desire to speak on him,, because he desrves that much. Im so torn with what I should do compared to what I want to do. Im also torn with really wanting to give my heart to a new person in allowing myself to be hurt. Putting effort in this situation,,im embracing everything I thought I would never experience,, both good and bad. On the good I finally feel a man really cares about me and wants to love me, when he speaks it doesnt feel like a lie. He doesn't claim to be perfect and I respect that. He makes me feel happy and alive and I enjoy him. On the flip side, he is far so, spending time with him is slim. Plus, me falling in love with him and him acutally falling in love with me,,for real. That may seem good,, but Im afraid ima mess it up somehow,, like self-sabotage my own destiny. I guess Ill take his advice and just take it one day at a time. Worrying is going to be the death of me,, im unsure of what Im capable of but he is a risk Im willing to take....hopefully it wont bite me in the ass later.


angelicaa phyliciaa . said...

lol , smh were tooo much alike . gooood luuuuckkk !!! i hope everything works out the way you want it to . expectations are always the biggest disappointments =/ i wishh you and your relationship the best :]