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17.6.09

Epiphany

In respect of recent of events such as my graduation from San Diego State University!! [CHEEAAAA] I vowed to myself to revamp my life. Of course being me is what got me this far with use of trial and error, but I have grown accustomed to the usual blazey blah that is my life and I want no more of it. If you didnt know my weakness is men. They are and have always been my downfall beccause of my abandonment issues I grwe up with because of my parents. I realize that I made it in school but could have been better if my focus wasn't so caught up in the boys. Because of me rippin and running the streets along with other things allowed me to begin to lose sight in my intial self because I was so wrapped up in pleasing a man rather than pleasing myself.

I love to write and I love magazines, those have been my passion since I was youngster. I was always known to have all the magazines and know all about music and fashion as if I got paid to study it. But, once I got serious into partying and boys which led to heart break, which triggered depression, then caused my grades to slip, which led to setbacks in my college career, which then led to my drive and determination for what I want begin to decline. I began to lose sight of my passion and dreams and thats not me at all. I hate that I owe this all to the desires of male approval, which till this day IDK if I fully received it. I have always had male attention, I think too much at once, and it overwhelmed me and I didn't use it to my advantage. I have never been without boy and unfortunatley, never been ok with being alone....until now.
A recent encounter with a young man made me soooooooooo over niggas to the point I don't give a fuck anymore bout any one or anything. I don't give a fuck if I ever meet a new man when I go out, get a new number, give my number or anyof my contact information. Im so over all my current suitors and their drama that I don't care anymore if they stay or want to leave. In some respects I wish they all would leave me alone. I don't care bout their feelings at all to the point to where now I say whatever comes to mind to any man including my own daddy, where all my issues stem from when before I would watch what I said. I no longer will do what they want me to do if I have any earge of not wanting to do it whether im just lazy or don't agree with it. I will no longer give anything to a man whether it be time, myself, money, or even a stick of gum ever again. And for the first time im ok with this.
I feel comfortable with being alone and knowing that Im ok by myself and that my happiness is more important than anyones on this planet. From this moment on I will live on instinct and my desires. Im not a fighter, Im a lover but I will fight more so for my love than anyone elses. No man will stand in between me and my dreams, hopes, happiness and success any more. I didn't want to admit it before, but all my exes, nows, and nextes have taken over my ability to be myself because I cared too much about they ass. Their drama became my drama and life is too hard dealing with my own shit, to try and fit their baggage in my closet. And im not bitter, Im not even done, but Im just beginning to start my life over and caring about me comes first. Theres no room in my life ppl who don't wana make their own seat in it, which means you have to earn your right to be here, and if you can't, there is the door waiting for you. All i can say is, "its about damn time Kam!"

3 comments:

bkashawna said...

what i heard that. i'm the same way always trying to please a man. not anymore as of last year i hate men lol.

Yan Tan said...

HEY HUNN STOPPING BY TO SHOW SOME LOVE ON UR BLOG!! WE LIKE WHAT WE SEE...KEEP IT UP...;-P

**YANTAN**


COME STOP BY SOMETIME... ;-P

ENO ONE.... said...

hey there. first and foremost, I am a Man but i come in piece... lol Just wanted to give you kudos on the post I am and always have been a huge fan of writing, music and magazines myself so i found that interesting of you... Secondly I feel what you saying, seems all the good girls are pushed away by jerks who just so happen to be the same Gender as me. But hopefully all turns out well and you make it through the storm if you havent already made it out....