First Love Diaries....

I got a new song.....

``First Love Sex/ First Love Sex/ Its the most powerful of them all yall...``


Well to me it is, especially when you are still in love with that person. Me and my First Love haven't been together in three years but I still love him and surprisingly still want to be with him. Before yall say, `Bitch, just give that shit up` I want you to know why I feel this way. See we broke up when I was a sopmore in college and he couldn't handle me being away in school [Im in San Diego, He is in LA] He broke up with me because he couldn't handle a bitch ass 2hr distance and also because he felt that I would cheat on him with guys that lived out there, that was his theory, and that whenever I graduate we can be together again. And now that I have graduated and moved back home things arent going as planned, till now. For the past three years I have let this man lead me on to believe Im number 1 in his life, no matter who he dates or who I date, Im wifey, thats what he tells his friends and family. And to be honest I believed him, I soaked that shit up.

Whenever he called I came running no matter what it was, I was always there for him, I gave up so much of what I knew was right for this guy just because he was the first person that gave me the 'Love Feelin'. I would have done anything for him, if he said die for me i swear I woulda thinkin it into existance. I was there for him in times when he had no one and he paints verbally and sometimes really shows that Im his number one through it all he still does bitch nigga shit I dont like. But when he says `Im workin towards marrying you, Im changing for you` and when Im with him all the love i ever had comes rushing back, I get weak. He strings me along because he doesn't want me to leave, but there are certain things he does that makes me feel if you love someone you wouldn't do them like that, you wouldn't break their heart.

Recently, he did something that broke the camels back for me, I called him and a girl answered his phone and the bitch hung up on my ass, called him back cuz I was like Wat The Eff?? and he answered surprised it was me and told me he was with his girlfriend!! Mind you, the last time I talked to him he said he aint had no girlfriend!! OH HELL NO!! And then yesturday my bestfriend sees them at the movies together after he talked me down when this happend to tell me, he just said that because she was sitting right there and he chooses me over any bitch. I was fuming pissed, I felt beyond played and he has made me feel this way before and when I say Im leaving thats when he wana patch shit up. I know its my fault for letting him but when you see my rap sheet of all I have done for this man, I feel I can't let my hard work go to waste for the next bitch to enjoy. I helped shaped him into the man he is today when there were times he felt on killing himself he was so depressed with the way life was going.

I have the sofest spot for him because he was the first one to teach me what it was like to love hard. But it hurts me that he will have to be the one to teach me how to let go, especially when I don't want to. Ive been thinking about him and this trick and every other trick he been with since me and I feel like he is full of shit and I deserve better. But I don't click with anyone else like I do him, and no one fucks me as good or its eat as correct or I have fun with the most as this man. Ugghhh, this is so irritating. How do you let go of the one you loved the most and the one that loved me the most, or so I thought....

ILL BE BACK!!....[Arnold Voice]

Today is Friday & Im too lazy to do Funny Fridays eh...so shoot me! Even tho I do love to post Funny Shit...But I will say this you will get a ``REAL`` post from me this weekend!! I promise you that...I jus havent been makin time my life is soo conjumbled [is that a word!!?] but there has been some things that have been irritating me so Im going to come back with some of your fav's like SMH Moments, Baby Daddy Status, The Hott Chick, & of course Love bullshit [ill get more into why Im so Love[k] right now] So hang tight...my bestie said if you don't start writin ppl will stop readin & i deffinitely dnt want that...I jus been havin major bloggers block that I need to get over, so curse me out I don't care >=op!! [wait yes I do!! Im sorry yall lolz]

*Shout Outz to JellieBeanzzz!! She always shows me Love on her blog!

Check it out, B a si Ca LL y*

Oh Lookie Ppl I got my hair did [Finally, & I dyed my hair myself] I should have shown u a B4 lolz Ive been wearin it curly [cuz it be gorilla penis hot outside] & it gets unmanagable at times...dont I look cute!

Please Don't Leave Me!!

Sorry followers I greatly apologize I have not been updating like I should
and I hope yall don't hold it against me
it's just that I dont have internet connection in my home
now that I have moved back in with my grandmother
&& I dont like updating from my phone cuz it doesn't want to cooperate
So I will have to either go bring my laptop to the library or go to my friends house 2 update
But, please hang in there with me. I noticed I lost 1 of you & that breaks my heart
Because my I try not only to write things for myself but for you guys too...
Im also kinda in a brainfreeze because there isnt really anything worth posting
I do have something about my love life that I want to post, but it may be too personal
I may do it anyways, just to give yall somethin juicy to read
but I have to gather my thoughts first.
But know that I am greatful for all of you and I love the feed back you guys give me
Tellin me that you love the blog, I really appreciate keep reading and everyone that follows me
Im tryin to make sure I follow all of yall ok!! Love you much

Follow me on Twitter! Im always Tweetin & im kinda funny check out a sample ------->
Twitter.com/qu33nkam

Big Girl It Your World!

Tonight on Oxygen the premiere of the new show "Dance Your Ass Off" which combines the shows Biggest Loser & So you think You Can Dance/Dancing With The Stars together. Im not sure if Im totally going to be committed to watching this show, but I do like how Oxygen tries to make shows to make big women feel good about themselves by leting them do what the skinny women do. However, Im not a fan of them putting these women in these women in these little outfits. Just cuz you are trying to get your dance sexy on does not mean wear shit u cant fit and showing your stomach like its flat. Thats not cute boo boo. Im not trying see ur fat fallin all over the place. For that this show looks a hot ass mess. But seems like it could be entertaining cuz big ppl know how to dance lolz.

Paying Homage!!

R.I.P Michael Jackson

The Best to Ever Get On A Stage & Pick Up A Mic!!

Go Hard Or Go Home!!

Im apart of the movement... are you??

If your not wit us your against us!!

Middle Finger Club Biiiiitch!!

Death Do Us Part!

I really think Im cursed like noooo doubt! And I mean relationshiply [is that a word?] cursed!! It seems that everytime I get close to a guy someone close to him dies!!! Is it because of me, am I a grim reaper?? Do I kill people?? Recently I explored this and found out in my life time that I began fond, building relationships with six men all resulting in a death of a close family member or friend while they were talking to me. And more crazy is its been more recent within the last 2 years. What am I doing or is it that just what life is ppl die. Or am I just bad luck?? Hmm I wonder, but what makes me angry with this situation is not only having to aide the young man in his recent time of mourning, it comes too soon in our relationship, like a serious thing happening so suddenly it slows down our process of connection. For one we are unable to take part in things like we used to or were going to because he has this big burden to deal with on his shoulders which then causes his desire to need space. Im definitely not the type to chase anyone so I give space but assure him I here for him. But when he returns its never the same. He no longer wants anything serious. Wat The Eff do I do now?? I then dont know if its my fault to blame. Should I have over rided his wishes of giving space and should have been there more, there so much I can really do. Everyone mourns differently so I don't want to step on toes and Im a direct person so I don't live for that reverse psychology/read between the lines bullshit...if you tell me somethin Im going to go off wat u tell me and what your actions say and if they agree so be it. But i digress. I don't know what is up with the death situation. It feels Ive experienced alot of death just because the people around me has. Are those really signs to tell me im not good for this person? Basically, wat im sayin is I don't understand why I can't fully experience a "normal" relationship. Something bizarre always happens too soon in the relationship, shit im not really wanting or ready to handle, death among other things is an example of just that. Beware to whoever is the next in my life, he better have no family or friends or we not gona make..j/k!!

Epiphany

In respect of recent of events such as my graduation from San Diego State University!! [CHEEAAAA] I vowed to myself to revamp my life. Of course being me is what got me this far with use of trial and error, but I have grown accustomed to the usual blazey blah that is my life and I want no more of it. If you didnt know my weakness is men. They are and have always been my downfall beccause of my abandonment issues I grwe up with because of my parents. I realize that I made it in school but could have been better if my focus wasn't so caught up in the boys. Because of me rippin and running the streets along with other things allowed me to begin to lose sight in my intial self because I was so wrapped up in pleasing a man rather than pleasing myself.

I love to write and I love magazines, those have been my passion since I was youngster. I was always known to have all the magazines and know all about music and fashion as if I got paid to study it. But, once I got serious into partying and boys which led to heart break, which triggered depression, then caused my grades to slip, which led to setbacks in my college career, which then led to my drive and determination for what I want begin to decline. I began to lose sight of my passion and dreams and thats not me at all. I hate that I owe this all to the desires of male approval, which till this day IDK if I fully received it. I have always had male attention, I think too much at once, and it overwhelmed me and I didn't use it to my advantage. I have never been without boy and unfortunatley, never been ok with being alone....until now.

A recent encounter with a young man made me soooooooooo over niggas to the point I don't give a fuck anymore bout any one or anything. I don't give a fuck if I ever meet a new man when I go out, get a new number, give my number or anyof my contact information. Im so over all my current suitors and their drama that I don't care anymore if they stay or want to leave. In some respects I wish they all would leave me alone. I don't care bout their feelings at all to the point to where now I say whatever comes to mind to any man including my own daddy, where all my issues stem from when before I would watch what I said. I no longer will do what they want me to do if I have any earge of not wanting to do it whether im just lazy or don't agree with it. I will no longer give anything to a man whether it be time, myself, money, or even a stick of gum ever again. And for the first time im ok with this.

I feel comfortable with being alone and knowing that Im ok by myself and that my happiness is more important than anyones on this planet. From this moment on I will live on instinct and my desires. Im not a fighter, Im a lover but I will fight more so for my love than anyone elses. No man will stand in between me and my dreams, hopes, happiness and success any more. I didn't want to admit it before, but all my exes, nows, and nextes have taken over my ability to be myself because I cared too much about they ass. Their drama became my drama and life is too hard dealing with my own shit, to try and fit their baggage in my closet. And im not bitter, Im not even done, but Im just beginning to start my life over and caring about me comes first. Theres no room in my life ppl who don't wana make their own seat in it, which means you have to earn your right to be here, and if you can't, there is the door waiting for you. All i can say is, "its about damn time Kam!"

Funny Fridays!

Funny Fridays today will be devoted to the chillins!! I have no kids and thank 2 God in all of Heaven I don't[at least not now]! Hearing these jokes bout kids makes me rethink bout wanting some! [My Childhood Bad Ass Story:: I was about 4 and I ask my mom sumthin bout God and she said she didnt know and and i told her she didn't know shit and I threw the Barbie car box at her head and she ran and grabbed and threw me across the room and as I was flyin I was like "Moooooommmmmmiiiieeee!!"

"Wat is tangy Daddy is it kinda like sour but it aint sour??"

"You black midget bitch get the juice, punk ass Daddy!!"

They Like Me!! They Really Like Me!

This award goes to my fabulous followers!! I have surpassed 100 ppl that thought my blog was cool and that means alot. I started this blog for fun simply didn't know if I was going to get one reader, but Im glad that I have. The stuff I put on here is randomly produced but if you like it I love It! Yall are awesome and I hope I have have even more followers. Shout outs to Ms. T who was my 100th follower and Two L's for being my most recent follower and Kiwi for being my first follower!!

These People Rock My Socks!