Scared to Take My Heart Off Hold

Isn't it crazy how right when you get excited about the person you are with and you start telling people about them and you claim the relationship,, is right when it starts to turn dramatic. Its like the affirmation to the universe feels your happiness and wants to suck it all away. I understand now why Jay-Z & Beyonce are so hush hush to where you feel ``damn,,don't they love each other why don they shout it out`` but now I see why that would be the dumbest thing in the world to do. Its like once you find that one person that makes you feel good and everyone knows it,,its like they hold a stop watch waiting for your love to end. Im so used to being happy about my new boo,, i tell everyone and then it turns out wrong and then I look like the damn fool when ppl ask ``Hey, What happend to ol' boy??`` Ive experienced this before so much that now im paranoid to really tell people about my partner,, ive been apprehensive about even writing this blog post. Yes, I know it seems Im excited about being single and it has been a life changing experience in which it still is,, but I was not going to let it blind me on the way. I think I have found the one I want to be with, he has everything that I want emotionally,physically,, he treats me the way I want to be treated and cares so much about me...but we can't be together,, at least not the way I want to. For one he isn't close to me and two our connection seems too good to be true. Can I handle a long distance relationship,,like seriously?? Can I trust my emotions to not flip out about him being able to handle it?? Im not going to go into the severity of our situation,,just know on his end he is fine,,he shows no signs for now about hurting me. But like I have explained in previous posts i still haven't healed from my previous relationships to just breath easy and live. Ive known him for almost a year and he has been there for me with my last break up with my ex Donta. I appreciate him as my friend and now my lover. But,, Im too scared to really accept that. I feel once I claim this man,, once I accept him fully the way I want to the way my heart feels comfortable,, its gona turn down hill from there. It took me forever to even tell my friends and family about him,, just because Im afraid of the outcome of their opinions. They have seen me at my lowest hurt and Im not ready for the embarrassment. However, the pureness I feel with him is what gives me the desire to speak on him,, because he desrves that much. Im so torn with what I should do compared to what I want to do. Im also torn with really wanting to give my heart to a new person in allowing myself to be hurt. Putting effort in this situation,,im embracing everything I thought I would never experience,, both good and bad. On the good I finally feel a man really cares about me and wants to love me, when he speaks it doesnt feel like a lie. He doesn't claim to be perfect and I respect that. He makes me feel happy and alive and I enjoy him. On the flip side, he is far so, spending time with him is slim. Plus, me falling in love with him and him acutally falling in love with me,,for real. That may seem good,, but Im afraid ima mess it up somehow,, like self-sabotage my own destiny. I guess Ill take his advice and just take it one day at a time. Worrying is going to be the death of me,, im unsure of what Im capable of but he is a risk Im willing to take....hopefully it wont bite me in the ass later.

Ive Been Gone A While...

A lil too long if u ask me, Im just computer deprived thats all. So it doesnt allow me to post the way I want to like I used to. But for the fact that I can't give quantity, I will at least give yall quality, i will prolly be giving a madd post all at once within the next few days, so bear with me followers. Its hard to give the people wat they need without the proper resources. Shout Out to my new followers, Heyyyyyy *parkers voice* Thanks for jumping on board, Im glad u found a reason to read my blog, hopefully ill give u even more so that u can stay. Hope all is well with all of you...

bee bee el [bbl]!!


P.S. Guys please pray that I get a job Ive been unemployed a lil too long for my liking,,I need that mula bayyybayyy

Single Is The New Relationship!!

I am single and remarkably its a great feeling!! I never thought I would be so secure in being alone. A few post ago I elaborated on why I was single and how Im trying to cope with it. But now it feels great and I should have had this feeling a long time ago. I should have not been so worried about being with someone or trying to find the love of my life for the past 6 years!! Im only 21 and not 41 my love life isnt over it may just be beginning. Ive been through alot though to make me start feeling a little bitter, but in some case I do still have hope. But, the single feeling has turned from being bitter to being relieved, Im feel free like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and im able to just live. Yes there are still people trying to obtain my attention as always, i learned that men will and can always be obtainable, they aint going anywhere. So when I want them I can have them but right now I rather be alone. It feels so great to just wake up and not have to plan my day according in trying to accomodate some other persons plans with mine, or having to reply to a text, aim, or gtalk message if I don't want to, i dont check back with anyone, or feel bad if I dont want to come over. Wat The Eff for!! Im not anyones girlfriend and that is what finally what sank in!! I dont have to make anyone a priority who makes me an option. Being single is great because you make your own rules.

I was one of those girls who always did whatever it took to make sure "my man" was straight when all I was doing was waiting in line to hopefully get picked!! Some I did some I didnt but what it assured that Im putting myself out there in hopes of being someones everything to men who deserved nothing. Being with someone who really cares about you is a great feeling but I realized that being with someone you lowkey lose apart of you, your freedom to live. Ball and chain analogy is true even when you are fully in love. Im honestly not ready to give this new found freedom up. I embraced the best parts of being single and Im using it to my advantage till I feel I have found the right guy I want to give it up for. People dont be afraid of being single, its probably the best time of your life, you figure out what your really want and who you really are. Im preparing myself for my ultimate partner, Im cleansing my soul by spending quality time with me and being able to understand why those other relationships didn't work, If you are never alone you can never fully appreciate being with someone. So if you are alone, live it, learn it, love it.

Hard Knock Life

Hova takes Oprah to `the Sty` where it all began. I guess Oprah is finally embracing the Hip Hop generation in which she orginally turned her back on it [unless your Mary J or Diddy] for having offensive lyrics against women and the use of the word nigga. But, since Jigga man is clearly the biggest Hip Hop star she must show him love and prolly because he gives back to Oprah's favorite spot in the world, Africa. I guess for the first time Oprah will properly get to know rappers before butchering them and who else to be a significant representative for Hip Hop but Hip Hop himself!!

Bitter!!

Is it safe to say I have lost all trust in a man?? Ive been trying to hold out and not put every guy in a catergory as being an asswhole or full of shit but thats all I have ever experienced. I love the person I am but Im starting to believe its my fault I can't find a guy on the same page as me. I haven't had all dogs, Some were really good guys as far as what Im looking for in someone, but they just weren't going down the same road Im trying to go. My mother says that its because the guys I date are young and young dudes are only after one thing, but sheesh, is it really Every nigga out there?? I think also that LA dudes are on a totally different mind frame from the rest of the world for the fact they just think they are the shit, even the ugly ones, to the point its like there are no humble guys. They all force feed me the same bullshit at the end of the day just to try and fuck me and Im over it. Ive heard it all, seen them all, had them all, all the types of a guy i think u can have, I had, all but the one for me. Im only 21, so yea the guy for me prolly wont come till later but im just tired of meeting the bullshit ass dudes out here. I dont trust any man that gets at me to be real, so I mentally flush him out before he knows it. Its gotten tot the point to where I no longer cry over the man I cry over myself and the fact I can't get out this cycle of a situation. I changed up my standards over and over again to broaden my horizans into having a better quality person, but I still think there is a flaw somewhere because Ive gotten no where. Maybe Ill go back to dating older men, but they have too much baggage that I dont even want to deal with at my young age, been there done that.

I guess all I want is consistency, thats all I want from a man is for him to be the same real nigga he was from the jump and not change his ways. Do the same thing you been doing since u met me, cause if you do something for so long Ima expect that to be done, if you stop Ima be like Wat The Eff?? What happened to the guy I met? I hate that I have never met a man that gave me the consistency I wanted in a person or equaled my affection. I used to have high hopes for everyone I dated so that I wouldn't fault him for what the last man did, but now Im seeing myself expecting to get hurt and having no hope for anything anymore, andnit eats me alive. I hate feeling that way. No matter what I do, I still get hurt. I feel I have a wonderful personality, Im beautiful, sexy, loving,affectionate, funny, down to earth, the librarian and the stripper, lolz, but I havent found a man that fully appreciates those qualities in me.

I don't want to change myself to get a man, however I want to know what Im doing wrong to where he makes me feel I need to change. My rap sheet makes me feel its all my fault because Im not relationship successful, and I want to figure out why. Why is every man who gets at me, no matter what we do together or what he does or I do for him or what he tells me, at the end of the day his actions dont match and only shows he wants to fuck me. Im tired of being centerd as sex being his only desire for me being around. Im not a whore Im a woman you should want to love, and I see right through all your lies, your just tryin to bust a nut. I put up certain emotial walls to see who willl be strong enough to want to break throught them. Im not that complicated of an individual so the fact that no one wants to love me past my pain hurts, especially knowing that I can give so much love to a man, I dont want just anyone having it. Ive made alot of male mistakes in the past, being naive, but now Ive learned so much I just want to know why the progress is still going at the same speed. Before I pray for no man unless he is good. Give me no man Lord till the right man comes, cause Im tired of the bullshit, I think the next bad situation will harden my heart to where the desire to Love doesn't even exist for me anymore. And thats my biggest fear. I dont want to be a bitter ass female, but that woman is starting to grow everytime I hear my phone go off, cause I already know its a bullshit ass dude blowing my phone up.

SMH Momment: Fierce Lil Boy Edition

Lawd this Lil boy was killing me I was dying the whole time cuzim just taken aback!! He looks all of 7 years old who taught him all this fierceness!! Lil boy is gettin his divo on, I cant even hate cuz sum of his moves I can't even do...I wonder if he made this routine himself & who is responsible for this video?? Im just mad he a lil off beat and the random person who walks by like did you know we are tapin a video!! My favorite part...0:17-0:23 & 3:00-3:10,,boy get em!!

First Love Diaries pt. Deux!

Sooo after reading Shandra E. helpful advice and talkin to my firends, I realized its time to let homeboy go!! Its been along drawn out 4 year experience but its time 2 let my First Love go! I love him still but having him in my life is unhealthy because its impossible for me to be just his friend. I gave him an ultimatum and he couldn't give me a straight up answer sooooooo I had to make up 1 for him. Im leaving! I felt he kept me around because he felt it was convenient he knew I would be there beyond any damn body, I felt he did love me but not enough in the way I needed to be loved.

Like you said Shandra, I need to be more than #1 I need to be the only one & with him I will never be the only one. He cheated on me when we were together and then cheated on his girlfriend with me! How triflin is that! I knew the business before hand, but was too blind to see it. Once a cheat always a cheat right?? He would say all that bullshit about ``That was the old me , Im not that Keair anymore Im gona be a better man for you because I wana marry you, Im my Happiest when Im with you, I hate that I hurt you, I hate the niggas you date, you need to be with me. I promise one you come home from school its me and you again officially!!...blah fuckin blah... I heard that shit for 3 years & He broke all that shit within a week of me being home.

I feel soooo stupid for loving him, I feel I wasted valuable love that could have been given to someone else on him, but to this day I havent met anyone who makes me feel as good as he made me feel. When he was good he was real good, we hardly argued all we did was have sooo much fun together, we have the same sense of humor & his sex is the business, and he gives me all that affectionate mushy shit I love in front of everybody. I could have sworn he would be the guy to go on the mountain top and scream ``I LOVE KAM`` before anyone else...but look where we are now, homeboy wont even return my phone calls!! His son loves me since day one, he says the only girl he reallly lets around his son and I hate how I have to leave that lil boy's life as well. He wanted me to be the mother of his daughter and th elist goes on of all the shit, I was ``supposed to be`` now Im nothing when in all of it I have done nothing but love him more than anyone he will ever know. I know for a FACT he will never find anyone like me or better than me, but I know for a FACT I will find someone better than him, and me and I will love that man more than my love for him times ten! Life is too short for `maybe love` I need the real deal!!! Because God is in my love lolz[insider]......

First Love Diaries....

I got a new song.....

``First Love Sex/ First Love Sex/ Its the most powerful of them all yall...``


Well to me it is, especially when you are still in love with that person. Me and my First Love haven't been together in three years but I still love him and surprisingly still want to be with him. Before yall say, `Bitch, just give that shit up` I want you to know why I feel this way. See we broke up when I was a sopmore in college and he couldn't handle me being away in school [Im in San Diego, He is in LA] He broke up with me because he couldn't handle a bitch ass 2hr distance and also because he felt that I would cheat on him with guys that lived out there, that was his theory, and that whenever I graduate we can be together again. And now that I have graduated and moved back home things arent going as planned, till now. For the past three years I have let this man lead me on to believe Im number 1 in his life, no matter who he dates or who I date, Im wifey, thats what he tells his friends and family. And to be honest I believed him, I soaked that shit up.

Whenever he called I came running no matter what it was, I was always there for him, I gave up so much of what I knew was right for this guy just because he was the first person that gave me the 'Love Feelin'. I would have done anything for him, if he said die for me i swear I woulda thinkin it into existance. I was there for him in times when he had no one and he paints verbally and sometimes really shows that Im his number one through it all he still does bitch nigga shit I dont like. But when he says `Im workin towards marrying you, Im changing for you` and when Im with him all the love i ever had comes rushing back, I get weak. He strings me along because he doesn't want me to leave, but there are certain things he does that makes me feel if you love someone you wouldn't do them like that, you wouldn't break their heart.

Recently, he did something that broke the camels back for me, I called him and a girl answered his phone and the bitch hung up on my ass, called him back cuz I was like Wat The Eff?? and he answered surprised it was me and told me he was with his girlfriend!! Mind you, the last time I talked to him he said he aint had no girlfriend!! OH HELL NO!! And then yesturday my bestfriend sees them at the movies together after he talked me down when this happend to tell me, he just said that because she was sitting right there and he chooses me over any bitch. I was fuming pissed, I felt beyond played and he has made me feel this way before and when I say Im leaving thats when he wana patch shit up. I know its my fault for letting him but when you see my rap sheet of all I have done for this man, I feel I can't let my hard work go to waste for the next bitch to enjoy. I helped shaped him into the man he is today when there were times he felt on killing himself he was so depressed with the way life was going.

I have the sofest spot for him because he was the first one to teach me what it was like to love hard. But it hurts me that he will have to be the one to teach me how to let go, especially when I don't want to. Ive been thinking about him and this trick and every other trick he been with since me and I feel like he is full of shit and I deserve better. But I don't click with anyone else like I do him, and no one fucks me as good or its eat as correct or I have fun with the most as this man. Ugghhh, this is so irritating. How do you let go of the one you loved the most and the one that loved me the most, or so I thought....

ILL BE BACK!!....[Arnold Voice]

Today is Friday & Im too lazy to do Funny Fridays eh...so shoot me! Even tho I do love to post Funny Shit...But I will say this you will get a ``REAL`` post from me this weekend!! I promise you that...I jus havent been makin time my life is soo conjumbled [is that a word!!?] but there has been some things that have been irritating me so Im going to come back with some of your fav's like SMH Moments, Baby Daddy Status, The Hott Chick, & of course Love bullshit [ill get more into why Im so Love[k] right now] So hang tight...my bestie said if you don't start writin ppl will stop readin & i deffinitely dnt want that...I jus been havin major bloggers block that I need to get over, so curse me out I don't care >=op!! [wait yes I do!! Im sorry yall lolz]

*Shout Outz to JellieBeanzzz!! She always shows me Love on her blog!

Check it out, B a si Ca LL y*

Oh Lookie Ppl I got my hair did [Finally, & I dyed my hair myself] I should have shown u a B4 lolz Ive been wearin it curly [cuz it be gorilla penis hot outside] & it gets unmanagable at times...dont I look cute!

Please Don't Leave Me!!

Sorry followers I greatly apologize I have not been updating like I should
and I hope yall don't hold it against me
it's just that I dont have internet connection in my home
now that I have moved back in with my grandmother
&& I dont like updating from my phone cuz it doesn't want to cooperate
So I will have to either go bring my laptop to the library or go to my friends house 2 update
But, please hang in there with me. I noticed I lost 1 of you & that breaks my heart
Because my I try not only to write things for myself but for you guys too...
Im also kinda in a brainfreeze because there isnt really anything worth posting
I do have something about my love life that I want to post, but it may be too personal
I may do it anyways, just to give yall somethin juicy to read
but I have to gather my thoughts first.
But know that I am greatful for all of you and I love the feed back you guys give me
Tellin me that you love the blog, I really appreciate keep reading and everyone that follows me
Im tryin to make sure I follow all of yall ok!! Love you much

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